HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i now understand why vodka
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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