i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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