So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
