I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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