your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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