paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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