Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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