doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
