Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize