At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
