I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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