I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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