First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
