Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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