my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
