i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
