i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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