I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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