i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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