so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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