I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
