Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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