So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
