i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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