I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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