Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
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