I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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