I just saw a hot homeless man
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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