Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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