Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
