I seem to have left my pride at pride
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
