pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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