Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
