cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
