So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
