the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
