I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
