My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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