I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
