Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
