What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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