someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
