i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
