Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
