I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
