No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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