How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think my fart just growled at me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
