It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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