is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize