Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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