i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
