apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
