I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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