dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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