Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
