if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
