How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
