who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
