I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
