My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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